What are your last words?

It's probably not something you think about very often, is it? Me neither, but that last gruesome post about Indiana Jones really made me realize just how fragile life is. We have to be prepared for anything, because if you say the wrong thing when you're dying you might have something lame written on your tombstone! My grandpa went out by grabbing the front of his doctor's coat and screaming, "don't let this happen to me! Please, Oh God, or Satan, take my wife and children instead! Take literally anyone but me!

So I have a lot to live up to. I guess if I have time for last words, I'll just request that my body be propped up somewhere where teens are known to make out, that way I can prevent too much rampant teen pregnancy. If I have to be a corpse, I might as well be doing something worthwhile, y'know.

Hey Teens

If you want to make sure your mom regrets snooping, keep your weed and nudie mags in the ark of the covenant. Then when she sticks her nose where it don't belong, it'll melt off with the rest of her face just like in the first Indiana Jones! I'm surprised I never thought of this.

Cottonelle

That's the name of a company that manufactures crummy toilet paper. It seems like it is made by sadomasochists that prefer ridges, and when you look at the Charmin' bears...

you start to think the whole toilet paper industry is full of perverts.

The Bee's Knees

How did this phrase even get started? You think in the old days people didn't have televisions so they just sat around admiring bee's body parts? Why? Plus, bees are pretty much identical, so what's the big whoop? If a bee had breasts, then I might be interested. Alright, it's official, from now on everyone should call good things "titty bees".

Like, "did you see Django: Unchained? That movie was titty bees!"
or "dude, your Grandma's banana bread is SO titty bees!"

What's up with Jizz?

If I eat pineapples, my jizz will be pineapple-flavored.

Ok.

So then what happens if I eat pussy? Sounds like a recipe for really puzzling jizz.

Do any scientists read this blog? Try this out and tell me the results in the comments section!

I'm Still Poor

It's time to get rich quick or die trying! Because I can't pay for food anymore. How do other people become rich? Do they just have rich parents, or do they hook up with welfare queens and share all the dirty money, or what? I'm willing to try anything once.

Time to Flex

I am actually a muscular guy and you can often find me at the gym giving free advice and a free gun show to the people I come across. However, you probably won't see me there for a while because last week I broke the first rule of personal training (complimented a girl on her fast, clean snatch). So for all you gym noobs, have fun but stay safe. One time I saw a nerd get swoll on the incline press, but it was an allergic reaction to staph bacteria. Always wipe down the machines.