What are your last words?

It's probably not something you think about very often, is it? Me neither, but that last gruesome post about Indiana Jones really made me realize just how fragile life is. We have to be prepared for anything, because if you say the wrong thing when you're dying you might have something lame written on your tombstone! My grandpa went out by grabbing the front of his doctor's coat and screaming, "don't let this happen to me! Please, Oh God, or Satan, take my wife and children instead! Take literally anyone but me!

So I have a lot to live up to. I guess if I have time for last words, I'll just request that my body be propped up somewhere where teens are known to make out, that way I can prevent too much rampant teen pregnancy. If I have to be a corpse, I might as well be doing something worthwhile, y'know.

Hey Teens

If you want to make sure your mom regrets snooping, keep your weed and nudie mags in the ark of the covenant. Then when she sticks her nose where it don't belong, it'll melt off with the rest of her face just like in the first Indiana Jones! I'm surprised I never thought of this.

Cottonelle

That's the name of a company that manufactures crummy toilet paper. It seems like it is made by sadomasochists that prefer ridges, and when you look at the Charmin' bears...

you start to think the whole toilet paper industry is full of perverts.

The Bee's Knees

How did this phrase even get started? You think in the old days people didn't have televisions so they just sat around admiring bee's body parts? Why? Plus, bees are pretty much identical, so what's the big whoop? If a bee had breasts, then I might be interested. Alright, it's official, from now on everyone should call good things "titty bees".

Like, "did you see Django: Unchained? That movie was titty bees!"
or "dude, your Grandma's banana bread is SO titty bees!"

What's up with Jizz?

If I eat pineapples, my jizz will be pineapple-flavored.

Ok.

So then what happens if I eat pussy? Sounds like a recipe for really puzzling jizz.

Do any scientists read this blog? Try this out and tell me the results in the comments section!

I'm Still Poor

It's time to get rich quick or die trying! Because I can't pay for food anymore. How do other people become rich? Do they just have rich parents, or do they hook up with welfare queens and share all the dirty money, or what? I'm willing to try anything once.

Time to Flex

I am actually a muscular guy and you can often find me at the gym giving free advice and a free gun show to the people I come across. However, you probably won't see me there for a while because last week I broke the first rule of personal training (complimented a girl on her fast, clean snatch). So for all you gym noobs, have fun but stay safe. One time I saw a nerd get swoll on the incline press, but it was an allergic reaction to staph bacteria. Always wipe down the machines.

So Wasted Last Night

I just hope I didn't sound like a nerd when I asked my frat bros if there would be any females with observable gluteal hyperadiposity at the kegger. Spoiler alert: there was.

Let's Talk Animals

How different are a bear and a dog? Are bears pretty much like big dogs, or is there some major biological difference apart from having different paws? Or pigs, is it just me or do they look exactly the same as a shaved dog. And seals are like fish dogs. From where I'm standing, it sure seems like God got stuck on a theme while he was making up all the animals. Maybe God IS a dog, which would help explain movies such as All Dogs Go to Heaven and All Dogs Go to Heaven 2.

...In an unofficial sequel I'm writing for All Dogs Go to Heaven 2, dogs outnumber humans. They form roaming packs, and quickly become the dominant species. None in the kingdom of Heaven can oppose them. Angels cry out as ravenous hounds tear the wings from their backs. Sound pretty exciting? It does to me, and I think this is the one that could rejuvenate the franchise. All Dogs Go to Heaven-fever is going to sweep the nation, and whoever finances this project could stand to make a LOT of moolah. If you're interested, hit me up on my blog.

Stallone Goofs

We all love Sylvester Stallone in such films as "Over the Top" and "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!", but even great actors aren't perfect. This week I watched a whole bunch of "Sly"-fi movies and noticed a couple mistakes that never got edited out!


1. In the penultimate scene of "Rambo: First Blood", you can see that Stallone is wearing flip-flops and Family Guy pajamas.

2. In "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!", the italian heartthrob turns to the camera and says "Stop! Or My DAD Will Shoot!" then shrugs and wipes his nose with the back of his hand.

Hip Hop Class

Last semester I took a hip hop class so that I could impress sophomore girls with my freestyle ability, but it turned out to not have much of a focus on rap. Everyone in the class just seemed mad that I had a white penis. I got the impression they didn't like white penises one bit. And I was like, my people have suffered too. It's 2012, and I still can't watch White Blacula on White Entertainment Television? Uh, hello?

Philosophical Question

Do you think Michigan J. Frog can have a three-way, or would he just automatically go limp and be unable (or unwilling) to perform? That would be a weird rumor to hear about a cartoon character from the 1970's. "Hey, did you hear Michigan J. Frog had erectile dysfunction?" You'd be like, holy shit who cares, that character hasn't been relevant for a long time. How do you even know his name?

Why I Would Like to Be a Girl for a Day

If I were a girl and a waiter asked me how I like my eggs, I could say "fertilized", which is a joke that doesn't make any sense if you're both men. I don't know any jokes to say to waiters, and that bothers me. Would it be funny if a waiter asked me how I like my eggs and I said, ""fertilized, hatched, then raised on a farm, killed, head cut off, plucked, fried and put in a bucket with gravy"? Or is that a frightening thing to say to someone? I'd better not.

Attention, Pizza Hut!

Who do I have to call in this town for a large sausage pizza that ISN'T a euphemism? I'm SICK and TIRED of your rude delivery drivers flashing me their junk in lieu of the pizza I ordered and am considering taking my business elsewhere. However, if you provide me with one free large hand-tossed meat lovers pizza and one free medium pineapple thin crust, I may reconsider. Please leave a comment and let me know if your customer's satisfaction is your highest priority, or if you're just a pack of degenerate homosexuals. This will help me know what to tell my friends when they ask which is better, Pizza Hut or your rival Papa John's.

p.s. I can provide pictures of the delivery man's junk savaging my pizza if you need proof. What kind of business are you running over there, homie?!

This is Why I'm Poor

My ex-girlfriend just caught me absentmindedly tossing a wadded up twenty dollar bill at a trash can. I did it twice, once because it looked like trash to me, and then I did it a second time because I missed the first time and didn't want to seem like I'm bad at basketball. What is wrong with me? This happened only a week after a conversation where my ex-girlfriend said we broke up because I couldn't take care of myself.

Buying Condoms

I hate it. You feel like an awful pervert the entire time, because maybe a neighbor or your grandma or the Pope might be in town, and he'll point one long crooked finger at the box of condoms you have clutched to your chest and you'll know you're damned to Hell forever. That's how I feel anyway. I always buy several other items to make it seem like I didn't make a special trip to CVS for condoms, but by now the staff knows me and knows I didn't drive a car. They know I don't have a car, that I must have walked a mile up the road just for condoms. Or maybe they think the other items are for some sort of pervy Rube Goldberg device I'm constructing in the same room where I keep my condoms. I guess I could buy condoms in bulk to avoid having to buy them multiple times, but then they'd really think I was a crummy guy. Plus, you never know when you'll hit a dry spell, and you don't want a bunch of old condoms lying around your apartment looking sad as hell. Damn. 

Selling Fireworks

I do this every New Year's (to make money in between college semesters), and this last time was a total bust! I had to dress like Uncle Sam and grow a beard to attract customers, and my beard was red (WHICH ISN'T MY FAULT), and I'm pretty sure my beard actually deterred customers, especially ones with little children! They probably thought I was a hairy ogre from a nightmare, and then my manager made it worse by making me take my shirt off and flex at passing cars! It was definitely not the friendly environment we try to cultivate at TNT Fireworks. More on this later.

Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse

That just seems like advice tailor-made for a necrophiliac. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if a real sicko came up with that. Keep an eye on anyone who says something like this to you, EVEN IF IT'S YOUR DAD or someone else you trust. My dad's cool, but yours is probably a necrophiliac.

Damn It

I missed the Super Bowl because I was watching the Puppy Bowl and forgot the Super Bowl was on. Now I won't know what anyone is talking about tomorrow and all my opinions will be about puppy football. For instance,

"Marbles is not a team player. He should have been replaced with a Pomeranian at half-time." 

My New Roommate

He's a weird guy. Last night me and my ex-girlfriend pulled up to the trailer I live in and we were fighting in her car about whether Taco Bell Doritos Locos Tacos are vegan. I was about to deliver the coup de grace to her counterargument when I noticed my roommate pacing back and forth in front of his bathroom mirror like a madman. He was pointing all over the place and whispering something, and there were little spit bubbles forming on the edges of his mouth. We stopped fighting immediately. This went on for like, thirty minutes, and he definitely wasn't listening to music because he told me the first time I met him that he doesn't listen to music. I wonder who he's mad at, himself... or is he mad at someone who can't help living with him and doesn't deserve to wake up in the middle of the night holding onto the blade of a long knife that's been plunged into my stomach, pinning me to the bed? Oh God I'm freaked out now, maybe I should ask if I can crash at my ex-girlfriends place until the heat dies down. If you're reading this and you're my ex-girlfriend, I'm willing to concede that Doritos Locos Tacos might contain animal products.

p.s. I hope you're not reading this if you're my roommate

Oral Dentata

I once overheard a townie bragging to his buddies about the time he kissed a girl with Oral Dentata. His friends called BS, because "everyone knows women's teeth falls out after their pubes comes in, just like us", but the dude was adamant. "Sure as shootin', her head was as full o' fangs as an ornery ol' possum's!"

I don't know if they ever believed him because I got the fuck outta there. If they'd noticed my pearly white chompers, they'd take it as a sure sign that I was a witch and burn me in the town square. Townies are a superstitious lot.

New Tattoo

It's on my back and it looks like this ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  and it means honor in Chinese. I feel like an unstoppable samurai warrior!