Buying Condoms

I hate it. You feel like an awful pervert the entire time, because maybe a neighbor or your grandma or the Pope might be in town, and he'll point one long crooked finger at the box of condoms you have clutched to your chest and you'll know you're damned to Hell forever. That's how I feel anyway. I always buy several other items to make it seem like I didn't make a special trip to CVS for condoms, but by now the staff knows me and knows I didn't drive a car. They know I don't have a car, that I must have walked a mile up the road just for condoms. Or maybe they think the other items are for some sort of pervy Rube Goldberg device I'm constructing in the same room where I keep my condoms. I guess I could buy condoms in bulk to avoid having to buy them multiple times, but then they'd really think I was a crummy guy. Plus, you never know when you'll hit a dry spell, and you don't want a bunch of old condoms lying around your apartment looking sad as hell. Damn. 

Selling Fireworks

I do this every New Year's (to make money in between college semesters), and this last time was a total bust! I had to dress like Uncle Sam and grow a beard to attract customers, and my beard was red (WHICH ISN'T MY FAULT), and I'm pretty sure my beard actually deterred customers, especially ones with little children! They probably thought I was a hairy ogre from a nightmare, and then my manager made it worse by making me take my shirt off and flex at passing cars! It was definitely not the friendly environment we try to cultivate at TNT Fireworks. More on this later.

Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse

That just seems like advice tailor-made for a necrophiliac. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if a real sicko came up with that. Keep an eye on anyone who says something like this to you, EVEN IF IT'S YOUR DAD or someone else you trust. My dad's cool, but yours is probably a necrophiliac.

Damn It

I missed the Super Bowl because I was watching the Puppy Bowl and forgot the Super Bowl was on. Now I won't know what anyone is talking about tomorrow and all my opinions will be about puppy football. For instance,

"Marbles is not a team player. He should have been replaced with a Pomeranian at half-time." 

My New Roommate

He's a weird guy. Last night me and my ex-girlfriend pulled up to the trailer I live in and we were fighting in her car about whether Taco Bell Doritos Locos Tacos are vegan. I was about to deliver the coup de grace to her counterargument when I noticed my roommate pacing back and forth in front of his bathroom mirror like a madman. He was pointing all over the place and whispering something, and there were little spit bubbles forming on the edges of his mouth. We stopped fighting immediately. This went on for like, thirty minutes, and he definitely wasn't listening to music because he told me the first time I met him that he doesn't listen to music. I wonder who he's mad at, himself... or is he mad at someone who can't help living with him and doesn't deserve to wake up in the middle of the night holding onto the blade of a long knife that's been plunged into my stomach, pinning me to the bed? Oh God I'm freaked out now, maybe I should ask if I can crash at my ex-girlfriends place until the heat dies down. If you're reading this and you're my ex-girlfriend, I'm willing to concede that Doritos Locos Tacos might contain animal products.

p.s. I hope you're not reading this if you're my roommate

Oral Dentata

I once overheard a townie bragging to his buddies about the time he kissed a girl with Oral Dentata. His friends called BS, because "everyone knows women's teeth falls out after their pubes comes in, just like us", but the dude was adamant. "Sure as shootin', her head was as full o' fangs as an ornery ol' possum's!"

I don't know if they ever believed him because I got the fuck outta there. If they'd noticed my pearly white chompers, they'd take it as a sure sign that I was a witch and burn me in the town square. Townies are a superstitious lot.

New Tattoo

It's on my back and it looks like this ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  and it means honor in Chinese. I feel like an unstoppable samurai warrior!